SerendipiteeJo's Blog

It is still white everywhere although we haven't had any more snow - it is just so cold none of it has melted yet.

I put christmas lights up in my room yesterday - I was in a really christmassy mood, I even wrapped some of the presents I have already - then I got another parcel with a tin of Roses in it - everything else I had ordered was there, except for the watch I had ordered for myself - typical -I tried to ring their helpline but it was busy and didn't give me the option of waiting just hung up the phone on me so I emailed them instead.

It is so cold down here that Ash has buggered off back to bed - leaving me here in the cold - I am tempted to go back to bed myself ,at least it would be warmer. I don't know - how very English of me to complain about the weather - if it was hot, I would be moaning about that!

I did manage to do a bit of tidying up yesterday - I have decided that as soon as I clear out the junk room I will get the unicare driver to put all the dialysis fluid upstairs - sorry to make the drivers go upstairs but ti will be much easier on mum who has to bring the boxes up to me every night - she forgot to do it last night so there I was humping bags around before I went to bed - which was a bit of a nightmare because I was hypo as well and although I had eaten sweets (we had no lucozade left) it seemed to take ages to wear off and so I was getting a bit hysterical lying in bed waiting for it to work. I was cold but really sweaty at the same time and just couldn't get comfortable - then again this morning I had another hypo and I drank some juice but that didn't work so I had to make some sweet tea but I couldn't get the sugar in the cup very easily as my hand was shaking so much - I was a bit worried about the boiling water too - but I managed to get it in the cup and then made it to the kitchen table so I could sit down and drink it, what a mess! It is definitely my fault as I was high this morning (probably from the hypo last night) so I gave myself extra insulin and so I must have over done it a bit.

Aww - Ash is coming down the stairs - he probably wants a cuddle now - or to go out and pee so I will have to open the door and let all the heat out and all the cold in, no, I was wrong he just wants to lie on my feet - oh good that will warm them up!

Mum opened the Roses last night = which was a good thing as I had something sweet to eat when I went hypo - but Ash obviously knows now that the box contains chocolate - I asked him if he wanted a chewie this morning and he walked out to the kitchen with me only instead of going to his chewie jar, he stopped by the Roses tin as if to say "I'd rather have one of these please" and no I didn't let him have any - I gave him a dentastix and he seemed happy enough.

I dreamed about amputations last night - I'm not sure why but I was in a hairdressers and there was a girl there who had an amputation and somehow I was able to borrow her leg to see what it would be like - don't ask me what happened to my leg when I put the prosthetic on but it looked ok and so I decided it wouldn't be so bad after all. I guess I am a little bit worried about what Mr Robinson will say at the foot clinic next Thursday - I think my ankle has moved since he last saw it - it doesn't feel aas if the ankle is fused any more - or maybe I have just got used to the limited movement I have? my big toe is killing me too - I wonder if Ihave kicked something and maybe broken it? it just doesn't look or feel as good as it did a few weeks ago. So I am expecting the worst when he sees it - it would be just my luck that after all this time he will change his mind again and say it needs to be cut off and then the last month or so will ahve been a complete waste of time. Maybe I shouldn't be walking on it at all - it's just that when I do have the boot on, it rubs and makes my ankle sore, so I only really wear the boot if I am going out or standing for a long time, like if I am cooking.

That was a weird dream though - when I borrowed her leg, she didn't even know it was gone - I had to kind of admit to her that I had borrowed it - but she was fine about it and then we sat and chatted about it, there were other people there too who said "gosh I never even noticed you had a false leg, it looks so natural" - and it was very comfortable. Mum had a dream about my legs - somehow she had managed to swap legs with me and so she had my legs - the subject of kidney donor had come up so I wonder if that was why - of course if I do decide just want a kidney transplant and not a pancreas/kidney then the whole living donor issue comes up again - I really don't want to have a kidney from someone I know - what if something happens to their other kidney? or god forbid , I reject their kidney and so in the end neither of us has a working kidney? Not only that but everyone in my family smokes and so how do you politely tell someone you don't want their kidney because they haven't looked after themselves well enough and you don't want damaged goods? I have never smoked - well I guess as my parents have always smoked I suppose I have always passively smoked so I probably have smoke damage already, but the thought of smoking makes me feel ill - I could never marry a smoker and the thought of having a kidney in me that has been "smoking" for decades just doesn't appeal - and yet I know it has to be healthier than my current kidney - who knows I might still get lung cancer or something from it later. I suppose that could happen with a dead donor - who knows what terrible things they may have put their body through before they died? I mean people don't go around thinking "hmm I might die and have to give away my organs so I ought to keep them in good condition, just in case..." What if you are vegetarian? and you get a meat eaters organs? although if you are vegan/vegetarian would you want a transplant? why am I even thinking about it - I'm not vegetarian - what if you are a strict vegan/vegetarian - can you specify that your organs will only be given to another vegetarian if/when you die? How much information are you given about the donor? I know you can write a letter to the family of the donor and it will be passed back to them - so I suppose at that point they could tell you things if you ask and they agree. Can you choose who gets your organs? what if you only want people under 30 to benefit from your organs? shit that would rule me out - or is it that once you agree to be a donor that's it - you have no other control over who receives it. I mean some people could say that my kidney problems ar ebrought on by my lack of good control and therefore my fault - wouldn't some people prefer than their kidney goes to someone who needs a transplant through no fault of their own? I'd only want a transplant if I was sure the donor would approve of me ahving it. I guess there's no way of ever knowing really. If I was able to donate my organs I would write a letter to the recipient and keep it with my donor card so that when I died and my organs would be used the recipient would have something personal from me saying it was ok. I'd give them my blog address too -only if I was healthy enough to be an organ donor then I probably wouldn't have a blog as there would be nothing to write about as all I seem to write about in here is how ill I am, yawn.